I don’t care what company you work for. I don’t care how many cakes you give out on people’s birthdays, or how many times you can say your business is ‘robust’ with a ‘lively culture’ – working for you isn’t always going to be good. Of course it won’t; that’s life. People accept that, and a job description that covers it up and pretends everything is wonderful is about as convincing as an ad for snake oil.
So, pop culture purveyors Penny Arcade – who started as a humble web comic, but have now evolved into a much broader company for gaming events and media – should be commended on their frank and honest job description.
Basically? Some of what you will be doing at the company is “the worst”.
The job description, which was posted on
LinkedIn, includes the following:
“Given our audience and the job at hand, this could potentially be the most competitive position we ever hire for … We rely heavily on outside partners and vendors, but as far as managing and helping run/deploy the technical infrastructure to most of the things we do, we rely on one person. That person is you.”
No pressure, huh?
“We are quite literally looking for a person that can do four jobs: Web Development, Software Development, Sys Admin, and the (dreaded) GENERAL IT for us here that need help configuring a firewall for a dev kit, etc,” the ad continues.
“We’re terrible at work-life balance. Although work is pretty much your life, we do our absolute best to make sure that work is as awesome as possible so you at least enjoy each and every day here.”
Oh, okay…
“Annual Salary: Negotiable, but you should know up front we’re not a terribly money-motivated group. We’re more likely to spend less money on salary and invest that on making your day-to-day life at work better.”
Hey, fair enough…
Now that we’ve looked at a job description that doesn’t weasel its way around the position’s shortcomings or obstacles (and actually provides solutions! Will wonders ever cease?), here are some of
HC’s favourite
filthy lies job ad-enhancers that we see floating around a lot:
“Competitive salary”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.
“Casual work atmosphere”
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
“Must be Deadline-oriented”
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“
Some overtime required”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality control.
“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“Apply in person”
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
“No phone calls please”
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
“Problem-solving skills a must”
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“Requires team leadership skills”
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
