There are several approaches people should take to try to reach a constructive conversation
Dealing with, navigating and resolving conflict in the workplace and in life is such a critical topic and important skill set. If everybody were fantastic at resolving conflict, the world would be a better and easier place.
But they’re not, so here are several do’s and don’ts to help you level up your ability to move through and resolve conflict in a more productive and effective way
Don’t attempt to resolve conflict when you’re emotionally triggered: That means when you’re turned up to 10, or in the heat of the moment when you’re triggered and upset, it’s not the time to try to resolve conflict and have a calm conversation.
It’s so much easier to resolve conflict when people can be calm and neutral and “in cold blood,” which just means not at a time when their emotions are out of control.
Do set up a time when you can sit down and have a conversation: There’s nothing wrong with taking a breather or asking for some time to cool off before continuing the conversation if you need it. Asking for permission from the other person to enter into the conversation, instead of springing it on them unexpectedly, is also a good idea to create a better space to talk.
When you know that there’s a conversation you need to have with someone, either go to them and ask, “Hey, is now a good time to have this conversation with you?” or set up a time when the two of you can talk through things calmly, in a neutral space.
Don’t treat your assumptions as true: Remember that your interpretation of other people’s behaviours, feelings or perspective is just that — it’s your perception, not reality.
Do communicate your assumptions, beliefs and perception of their experience: It is totally OK to say, “An assumption that I’m making is that you did that because of (this feeling or intention, for example). Is that accurate? Can you clarify things for me so I can understand where you’re coming from?”
You will have assumptions, yes, but communicate them and don’t treat them like they’re gospel because they’re not. Come into the conversation asking questions to clarify, not acting like you already know what’s true.
Don’t accuse people or label them as being a certain way: When we label someone else and tell them how they are, all it does is put that person on the defensive. Statements such as “You never listen to me; you’re not a good listener” or “You’re rude, you shoot down all my ideas, and you’re not a very good friend” don’t help.
When we label someone else and tell them how they are, it devolves into an argument about whether that person is that way or not, and it just makes people feel attacked. When people feel attacked, they put on armour and stop listening, putting all their energy into defending themselves.
Do frame up your language by focusing on the experience you’re having: Instead of saying “You never listen to me,” reframe your language to say, “The experience I’m having is that I don’t feel listened to.” When we frame up language like that, it puts people in a less defensive space.
So, whether or not they are a “good listener” has no relevance here, and it’s not up for debate. When we change the language like that, it creates an opportunity to explore the experience you are having without directly accusing them of anything.
Do listen and be curious: Your perspective, your feelings, your view of what’s right and what’s wrong and what’s happening are not cosmically true. So, ask questions and seek to understand. Ask for that person’s perspective, demonstrate empathy and put yourself in that person’s shoes — whether you agree with what they have to say or not. Their experience is true for them, so try to see it from their perspective.
Discover what’s true for both of you and use that as a basis to find common ground and move forward toward a solution.
Don’t believe that you’re great at resolving conflict: Unless you have received extensive training and you’ve practised and you’ve read books and actually done a lot of work to be better at resolving conflict, you’re probably not very good at it. Nobody is born great at being able to resolve conflict.
Do learn and educate yourself: Read books, get training, watch videos and practise what you learn so that you get better and better at resolving conflict. You can become great at moving through conflict — it’s a skill set, not an inherent trait in anybody.